Shortlisted: Things I've Said Aloud, and In Earnest, to My Dog
Don't be so dramatic.
It’s hard to look tough when you’re sneezing, isn’t it?
You’re going to regret that decision.
Salmon or Bison?
[out for a walk] Baby, don't eat that. You can pee on it, but don't eat it.
Are you being sarcastic?
I’ve already given you my answer. I’m done talking about it.
[driving home from his prostate exam] I’m so sorry about that. I’ll get you some ice cream.
Let’s put your bow tie on; you’ll need to look good for this.
Subtlety is not one of your strengths.
What did you do today?
How did you get so perfect?